One Year Since Referral

It was one year ago today that I received that wonderful, unexpected call from Melissa.


http://nortongirl2.blogspot.com/2007/09/i-think-we-have-daughter.html


I have been revisiting that whirlwind of emotions this morning and looking at her referral picture on the wall. What a miracle this whole year has been.


I was at work, and (thank God) nearby my desk when my cell phone rang. It was Melissa, our home study social worker from Small World Adoptions. She said they had a file they'd like us to review. (Lora's breathing stops.) It was a little girl, 11 months old, with "left auricle atresia and dysaudia ." (Dis owdia, Melissa said.) I had no idea what dysaudia was until I saw it in writing and it made sense; it's not a word used commonly in the US. I did understand atresia, though, and it was nothing I was afraid of. I was Ari's mom already . . .


My friends Angie and Julianne were there when I got the call. After making sure that I was OK, of course, Angie said, "I'm so glad everything's OK, because now I can say, that was a really fun call to watch." Apparently, she and Julianne had been watching and debating, It's good news. It's bad news. No, it's good news. . . as they watched the expressions on my face. I remember I was biting on my knuckle.

I hung up the phone with Melissa, started sending e-mails and voice mails to Michael, and my friends and I hung around waiting for the e-mail with Ari's information and pictures. Of course, I did precisely what all the online advice says not to do when the referral comes -- scrolled down the pictures first! Then, I called all of my co-workers within ear shot, "Look at her! Look at her!" with many tears.

Well! Look at her now!

An Anniversary

It was 2 years ago today I made the first hesitant call to Kathy to find out how to go about becoming a "Small World Family." What a blessing it has been!

All Of The Coincidences

I've been wanting to work on this post for a while, but I never seem to get around to it. I wanted to list all of the things, some of them laughably trivial, some of them definitely the hand of God, that have been strangely coincidental or have gone amazingly well on our journey to Ariana.

• I thought I would wait another year before looking into adoption. (Obviously, I didn't know how The Wait to adopt from China was growing.) I was concerned about getting two children too close together in age. LOL. For reasons I didn't know then, something kept nagging at me that I should call Kathy at Small World for my birthday. I didn't quite get to it by my birthday, but soon after. Our application to Small World Adoptions was approved on 10/8/06 . . . exactly one week before our daughter was born. God knew that she was about to be born and needed us to get ready.

• We worked on putting our dossier together and sending it to China. Again, we were led by Providence in the timing. We got everything done and logged in just before the infamous "May 1st" (2007) regulation changes in China, after which we became ineligible.

• After our login, we began watching with dismay the reports of the exponentially increasing wait times. (As of today, China has referred for families logged in through January 31, 2006. They are referring less than a week each month, so our referral, unless something really big changes, would be a minimum of 57 months from today, and we have already been on this course for nearly two years.) In the summer of 2007, we decided, for many reasons posted elsewhere, to consider a child who had special needs. We felt we had a good family situation and background. We hoped we might get a referral in the summer of 2008 (right about now, in fact). For many families making this decision, it involves more paperwork, a home study addendum, etc. Our agency had our paperwork ready from the beginning, including a statement in our home study that we were approved to adopt a child with special needs "just in case" we wanted to. More thanks to God; our agency is passionate about the Waiting Child program, and we were already ready to go. Ari was about 9 months old.

• On September 27, 2007, a Thursday, we had a guest speaker at our weekly staff meeting. Jon Hasbrouk, PhD, came to address issues concerning central auditory processing disorders. As he described one test that they do that related to localization abilities, I suddenly wondered how these same issues affected children with unilateral hearing loss, so much to my coworkers' dismay, I'm sure, I asked a couple of questions . . . Five hours later, our social worker, Melissa, called to ask if we would review a file of a little girl who had "left-sided atresia and dysaudia (hearing disorder - not a term used in the US)." I received Ariana's electronic file at 2:27 pm 9/27/07.

• In the midst of the . . . overwhelming rollercoaster of emotions . . . I don't even know how to describe the impact of receiving a referral . . . cutting through the euphoria and hysteria, the anxiety and jubilance, was this little girl's name. It told me everything was right. Si Jing, meaning "think" and "tranquil," -- Be still and know that I am God. Deep breath.

• We needed to write a care plan describing how we were equipped to handle Ariana's “special need.”I have a masters degree in "Speech and Hearing Sciences." I sure hoped that sounded good to the Chinese people who would review our care plan. Even better than SLP. When I had imagined the potential scenarios of the child that would be referred to us, atresia/hearing impairment had never, ever crossed my mind. But we were referred a child who might need extra help with communication. (Since we’ve been home, we’ve found that her hearing is FAR better than the reports from China indicated, but at that time, we didn’t know.) BTW, Ari’s file was reviewed by another family before ours. For reasons I cannot understand, but know that the real reason is that it was God’s will, they decided that she was not meant to be their daughter.

• I was shopping for chopsticks when I got the call on my cell phone that we had travel approval from China and could go bring Ari home. LOL

• On January 22, 2008, while we were on a plane to go meet Ariana, the American Speech/Language Hearing Association published an article on unilateral hearing loss. It was waiting for me in the pile of mail when we got back home.

• While we were in China, I was stunned by word from my employer that my FMLA leave had been denied by HR. I am scheduled for the proper number of hours each week, but sick time, holidays, and vacation do not count toward the 1250 hours that I needed to work to be eligible. As I was not eligible for leave, I also would not be eligible for COBRA benefits. (I carry all the kids on my insurance.) In fact, since I had left work, I was AWOL, and my supervisor was advised to fire me. Instead, she reclassed my position from "part time with benefits" to "prn." That would let me keep my job, but not fix the insurance problem. Due to several corporate factors, including both human error and migration to a new HR computer system, my change in status was neglected by HR, and I did not lose my insurance. Shhhhhh.

• After we came home, I starting learning about the options for microtia/atresia management, and I learned that the insurance that I was able to keep is one of the best two to have for no-hassle coverage of the BAHA (Ari’s hearing aid).

• THEN, I found out that for FDA paperwork reasons (not for problems with the product), there was a significant shortage of BAHAs in the US. People were just unable to get them. Plus, Ari needed a left-sided aid, which is far less common. I found this out at about the same time that I found out that . . . our company was closing our clinic.* I was potentially about to lose coverage for my BAHA (again). With perfect timing, the Cochlear company, which makes the BAHA, scheduled a local training. I registered, giving me both continuing ed credits and a chance to speak to someone directly about Ari. The Cochlear people are wonderful, and I had an appointment to get Ari’s BAHA within a week. The insurance covered 80%. (*Our manager is buying the clinic, and we will continue as a local business.)

6 Months Ago

6 months ago today, in Nanning China, we met a bundled and bewildered, but tough and determined, little darling named Jing Jing. She broke our hearts when we couldn't soothe her and charmed us with her smiles when we could win them. She was taking tiny steps on unsteady feet, didn't eat, didn't sleep. We fell in love with her while she focused on self-preservation.

6 months later, you will find her completely in charge of her surroundings, holding her own against her many brothers, and imitating everything they do. There is no guessing what she wants; she expertly informs us all. She uses nearly 100 words in English, regularly combines them in sets of two, and more and more frequently bosses us around with three-word sentences.

She adores her brothers, loves our dogs, and is afraid of our cat. She eats everything, loves spicy food, and especially likes "on-on" (onions) and broccoli. She loves to rough-house, run, climb, and jump, with giggles of glee. She has two favorite songs that she will ask (demand) to have sung. One is (to the tune of "My darling Clementine") "Ariana, Ariana, Ariana Serenity." The other is "Baby Bumblebee." She also loves princess dresses and even more -- shoes!

She still doesn't sleep well, and though she will ask for night-night when she's tired, she often doesn't sleep through the night, and even when she does, she is an early riser. We haven't set an alarm clock since she came home! (The other night, she was tossing, turning, and whimpering in her sleep without really waking up. Finally, she declared, "Andrew mean!" and settled down again. Gotta wonder what she was dreaming.)

Although we have called her "Ari," she refers to herself as "Ana," or "Ana-ana." So now she answers to Ari, Ariana, Ana, or Ari Jing. She still doesn't have a name for Gabrian that she uses, though all the rest of us, including Justice and Karma (the dogs), she calls by name.
What a difference 6 months can make! None of us can imagine our family without her. Recently, we had our 6-month post-placement interview with our social worker, and when I told the boys to get ready (i.e. no watching TV in their underwear), they both responded with alarm. Conor: "You mean we haven't earned her yet?!" Cameron: "They can't take her back to China, can they?!" No, boys, and my apologies to Ari. You are stuck in our hearts and our family forever!

Two Month Update

I missed the two month update that I intended to do, and she's already changed since then! Here's a two month/two month-9 day update. Ari is amazing!

Michael said, "She seems to like her abductors." The biggest change is that she has become very affectionate. For example, instead of sitting up straight on me to have her bottle, she cuddles back closely and strokes my face. She gives kisses and hugs to everyone in the family and has learned to enjoy the physical way we interact with each other. She still will push you away if you are too close to her face, and she hasn't initiated it. (Really hard for space-invader Cameron.) Tickle/nibble games make her a little uneasy still. Overall, though, she has become so loving. She holds onto my hand with both hands when she is falling asleep and kisses all over it. How can I not melt at that?

Her vocabulary is growing by at least one new word every day. I was going to list the words she used at "two months of hearing English," and 9 days later, it is outdated! :) She has a large enough vocabulary I won't be able to get them all, but I'll try: Mama, Dada, Ge Ge, more, all-done, wash, bite, candy, bottle, diaper, shoe, baby, doggie, help, up, off, back, hi, bye-bye, please, thanks, ball, no, yes, this, bonk, ear, eye, nose, mouth, hair, foot, five (as in "give me five"), & "Ana-ana." Some of those are signs, and some only Mom & Dad would understand without her pointing and nodding vigorously. Rarely, she puts a couple of words together, like "More candy" or "Mama up." If I were to evaluate her, using standardized assessments for English-speaking children, she would come out in the low average range. Not bad for a child who heard her first English words two months ago! Oh yeah, and she has a hearing impairment. I keep forgetting she has a "special need."

On 3/28, she had her first trial of independent daycare. We have visited together many times, but she hadn't been left. I took her at 8:00 and picked her up on my way to work at 10:00 (she goes to work with me since I went back on St. Patrick's Day -- thank goodness I work in pediatrics!). They tell me she did great at daycare, played happily, ate a lot. Gabrian and Ariana are in the same class, but he was going outside to play when I came to get Ari. I took care not to let him see me so as not to upset him. No such luck. They told me it took more than an hour to calm him down when he couldn't find Ari; he wanted his sister! They also tell me that they took lots of pictures for me to see later of Gabrian showing Ariana the toys and helping her out around the room. Funny -- they don't get along like that at home.

On 4/1, I left her at daycare all day for the first (and only, so far) time. It's spring break - not that you could tell by the snow falling today - so she had Conor, Cameron, and Gabrian for support and comfort during the day. The daycare is so nice about letting the older siblings visit the toddler room. I'm told she did well.

On the two-month anniversary of the day we met, I was demonstrating to my co-workers how she responds to her different names. When I would call, "Ari," or "Ariana," she would turn and look expectantly. But if I called, "Jing Jing," she would turn with a huge smile, nodding vigorously. It's very cute and yet sad. Six days later, I tried the same demonstration for my mom. This time, when I called, "Jing Jing," she unexpectedly answered me with, "Ana." Stunned, I waited a few minutes and tried again, and again, she told me, "Ana." I guess Jing Jing is gone. Bittersweet.

One Month Update

We met Ariana one month ago today. The changes over the month have been incredible. (I'm going to exclude the last two days from my comments because she has a thorough head cold and should not be judged by her current misery and unpleasantness.)

Instead of the halting steps she took from the desk to the bed in the hotel room on those first days, she now chases her brothers up and down the hall. She climbs up and down off the furniture (end tables included) and likes to try to climb the stairs (with help). She can't quite keep up with Gabrian, but there is no hesitancy in her pursuit.

She's still a little asymmetrical with right arm outstretched and left arm held higher and close to her body. My friend Angie, an excellent PT, pointed out to me, in summary, that, because of her hearing, her world has been at her right hand. At first, I deliberately handed things to her on her left side to increase awareness/function, but it quickly became apparent that she uses her hands equally; I just notice the asymmetry when she's walking, even then, less and less all the time.

She's smart, just like her brothers, and it's always fun and amazing to watch how fast children soak up everything at this age. I love it. She understands our home routines really well and quite a few words. She says, "Mama," "Dada," and "Ge ge" (Chinese for "older brother" & an easy way for her to request the younger generation of her slaves). She also says "diaper," and "up," but those inconsistently. The tone, rhythm, and quality of her sounds have changed. She went (very rapidly) through some rudiplicated babbling, and now uses varigated babbling, with some jargon emerging. Not bad for one month of exposure where her whole sound system is being re-wired! (I'm a speech therapist; I have to notice these things though it drives Michael crazy.)

The attachment process seems to be going amazingly well. She definitely had an "anxious attachment" at first, clinging to me, only me, and with a lot of distress. Now, she seems much more secure. She confidently leaves me with frequent check-ins to make sure I'm still there. She's getting better about letting me leave her sight. I say, "Back-a-minute," (what Cameron and Gabrian said when they were little) when I have to run downstairs to get something, and sometimes, she'll stand at the gate and wait without crying. I think it's important that she understands that I leave and return, but I try to make sure I return quickly. I also try to stay with her when she's going to sleep (an arduous process as she fights sleep). I'll sort laundry or papers or something so I'm present, in view, but not attending to her at naptime. Evening is worse because she's usually fought her naps and is overtired and overwrought at bedtime. Michael wonders why she gets so much more accomodation from me at bedtime than the other kids ever got. I said, "Because she has a genuine reason to have separation anxiety." Michael said, "She's manipulating you." I think he's partially right, but I also think she has a valid reason to need more security indulgences and am unsure where to draw the line.

The sleep issue is the only one not going well. This girl hates to sleep. Her naps are after fights, and usually 30 - 40 minutes at best. She sleeps in fits and spurts at night. Yesterday, she literally fell asleep standing up in her crib, leaning against the corner with her head sagging on the rail. (My movement to reach for the camera woke her up to begin crying all over again.) Ari, Michael, and I could all use some quality sleep. (I had Michael look for pediatric Ambien when he was in town yesterday, but he claims he couldn't find any.)

Her behavior in China implied that we might have a stubborn and willful little girl. She certainly had a good set of lungs. When she first arrived here, she went 180 degrees to the most delightful, sunshiny little one. Maybe it was self-preservation mode. In the last week or so (again, excluding the sick days), there has been a qualitative change in her attitude and interaction. She has not been as consistently happy, but has intermittent bouts of disagreeability. This isn't a bad thing. Her behavior now seems much more . . . normal. She seems like a normal, entitled toddler who stands up for herself efficiently.

She loves her brothers. She is ecstatic when they arrive home from school and devastated when they disappear to watch TV instead of adoring her.

She certainly has become accustomed to our customs of hugging, cuddling, and kissing. She gives the best kisses, squeezes, and pats your back when you hug her. Her smiles will melt your heart, and we'll all work overtime to win one of her infrequent giggles.

She's impossible not to love.

First Moments

Finally, our first moments with Ariana.

The Nights

Ariana slept with us the whole time we were in China (and she sleeps like an egg beater), and I had some concerns about how to get her into a crib when we got home. She's done very well, but she is insistent about a middle-of-the-night play time. (I am generously attributing this to the desynchronisination of her internal clock and daylight hours and praying it will naturally fade with the jet lag.) During the night, I have three goals:

• reassure her that I am there
• keep her in her crib as much as possible
• limit interaction and light

Even though she's interrupting my sleep, I have to say I'm amazed at how good she is. She doesn't insist on getting up or getting in bed with me. She cries for just a moment until she knows I'm there, and then plays nicely in her crib. I put my hand through the crib rails so she can touch me, and she does her best to try to fit her whole body into my hand and eventually goes back to sleep.

Last night, she cried for a minute, and when I quieted her, Gabrian was crying, "Mom! Mom! Ari's crying!" Michael went upstairs to comfort him, and that took longer than comforting her. Gabrian was too tired to find words, but could insist "Not OK! Crying!" It was actually very sweet.

Remarkable Ariana

Ari has been with us two weeks today (I'm not going to try to figure out the time difference; we met her two Mondays ago). She's walking very well, eating better, and exploring with confidence. She is learning English quickly. She clearly understands Ari, Ariana, Mama, Daddy, come 'ere, up, bottle, kisses, diaper, shoe, and eye with no extra cues. Still, it was a surprise this evening when we told Gabrian he needed a diaper (he, of course, disagreed--his m.o. for the week), and Ari went over and brought us a diaper. She brought one of hers, not Gabrian's, but still. . . pretty impressive.

Big Brother Gabrian

Gabrian is having a rough time (though already getting better today than yesterday). Yesterday, he was grumpy all day to everything and everyone. If Ariana looked at him, he scowled, and if she touched him, he shrieked. Needless to say, there has been no sharing of toys or playing together. It's understandable, and we're giving him some latitude with his attitude. He needs to disagree with every statement made.

Today, we had to do some grocery shopping, and both kids were very good, and neutral territory seemed to be good for him. When we came, home, he wanted to "hold the baby." How cute is that?

Getting Into The Home Routine

Yesterday was a great day. Conor had his first basketball game of the season (did GREAT). I had anticipated that Michael and Conor would do this one alone as Ariana would need settling time at home. She was doing so well that the whole family went to the game - and then dinner at Azteca (with Denise and Eric). Ari had a great time toddling around at the basketball game. Gabrian was amazing. He sat or stood on his chair and cheered for Conor the whole time, requiring almost no supervision. Ariana even sat in a high chair at Azteca! Hooray! Then, we came home for the Zags game, which the toddlers actually let us watch.

Today . . . the competition between Gabrian and Ari is heating up, especially on Gabrian's part. If Ari needs a diaper, so does he. When it's time for Ari's clothes, it's also time for him to get dressed. He wanted me to spoon-feed him his yogurt during Ariana's breakfast (ironic since this request followed a near-fit as he insisted he would get his own yogurt out of the fridge - requiring use of a stool - and his own spoon, and scoot his own chair . . .) Any game must be done in equivalent and alternating turns. Michael says there's no way I will have the energy to do everything in duplicate 24/7.

I'm already scared of the laundry.

Meeting Brothers

We are Home

We are home and Ariana is settling in with her brothers. As I write this we have been awake 31 hours. It was kind of a do-over on Friday since we left early Friday morning and arrived Friday morning here. We just skipped the whole night/sleeping part & got to do Friday twice.

Ariana was unbelievably good the entire trip. No crying. No crying on the 4.5 hour first leg of the trip, no crying on the 10+ hours on the second leg, and no crying during the 1.5 hours at immigrations and then and then 2 hours to get home with the layover and flight from Seattle to Spokane. She only cried for a bit while we strapped her in a car seat (they don't have them in China) and dug out our car at the Spokane airport. I wasn't sure we were going to get it free. We dug, and pushed, and dug, and pushed. Parking for 3 weeks outside during the worst snow storms for some time was not great. They also had plowed along behind the car, so even that had a huge burm. We made it out. Somebody was looking out for us today.

Ariana played, chortled, slept, watched some TV, ate, and was just amazing. Being stuck in a small area with a toddler is never easy. Doing it for hours on end in an International plane seat is a test of courage.

We got off really easy.

Of course, after we sleep a bit, more pictures to follow. Family is visiting and as excited as we are. Thank you to all of the family and friends that have been following our trip! Your emails and comments were fantastic when so far from home. It was all I could do to keep up. It's nice to be able to take a bit of normal with you on such an adventure. We will keep on posting as we get settled.

Going Home!

It is 5:00 am Friday here (1:00pm Thursday at home), and we are up and preparing to leave. Our bags will be picked up at 5:15, and off to the airport. Boys, we should be home in about 24 hours! That is, if we all survive such a trip with a toddler. . .

White Swan Pictures

Misc. Anecdotes In No Particular Order

I'm trying to remember some things that I wanted to blog but have forgotten as Ariana hasn't let me touch the computer much. (She's on my lap now.)

With no discussion on our part about our occupations back home, our guide, William, in Beijing, surmised that Michael would be in IT, and guessed that I was a teacher. Pretty close, I thought.

We haven't seen mistranslated signs, but I was mildly amused by the left lane of the freeway, labelled "Overtaking Lane." There are some things that lose something in translation on the menu. For example, we can order "fried onions with white fungus," or "ground beef with manured cheddar (cheeseburger.)"

Now that we've reached Guangzhou, we really can order deep fried fish head, hot & sour beef intestine, or steamed snake. I haven't tried any of these yet.

You know how fun it is to eat at a restaurant with a toddler? How about for EVERY meal? It's a great diet plan.

I thought it would be very hard to adopt an older child, and we specifically wanted a baby or toddler. There were two kids adopted in our travel group, age 7 & 10 who were both delightful. What an amazing journey for these kids. They gave me a whole new outlook on adoption.

An Outing -- Hooray!

Ari Hates the Hotel Room

This girl has got an attitude, and a set of lungs to express it! As you can see from pictures, she can be delightful when we're out and about. (She is her Grandma's girl. While she used to be afraid of the elevator, now, she beams when she hears it ding because it means we're going to do something!) In the hotel room, she is crying. She can go for a very long time without tiring. I told Michael, it is like having a cranky siamese twin.

Traditional Dress for a Group Picture with Travel Group

This is for Cameron

Cameron, take a look at how cold it is outside the airplane. It's a bit blurry, but I think you will be able to see.

A scene from Lost

If you are not a Lost fan, this won't mean much to you. On the way to Beijing, I had a surreal experience. On Lost there is a period of time where Sawyer is locked in a zoo cage with Kate across from him. He spends a lot of time trying to hit the right sequence of buttons to get his fish biscuit. It is a tremendous feeling of accomplishment when it finally comes out.

I had the same sort of experience at the airport with the vending machine. With a couple of hours to kill I decided to check out what was available. I'm sure it was quite fun for the locals watching the caucasian attempt to earn his fish biscuit! The good news is you can get beer from the machine. Unfortunately I didn't seem to get the right sequence.

Looking forward to home

The weather has been okay the past few days. Yesterday they took us to a shopping mall. Most of the hundreds of stores in the mall were closed. Everyone is heading home for the Chinese New Year which is much like Christmas here. The majority of tham take 2 weeks to a month to spend time with family. I think that is pretty neat.

Early yesterday, we found out our appointment at the US Consulate was rescheduled to yesterday afternoon. We went to the US Embassy and performed our swearing in ceremony. Ariana has her US Visa, her Chinese passport, and will become a US citizen when she passes through immigration in the US. Both the Chinese and US government have agreed she is officially ours.

Last night we took a dinner cruise up the Pearl River. Luckily it was indoors. It had outdoor observation decks, but we didn't hang out on those long. It was pretty to see the buildings along the shoreline lit up with neon.

Today we went to the toy market. It was again many many floors with hundreds of stores. All but a few were closed. It is weird to walk through floors and floors of stores all closed up. The front of the stores have garage doors. They just pull them shut. The few that were open were selling New Years decorations. We (I) was hoping to make it to the electronics market, but it seems that nothing would be open. Oh well, no fake ipod knock-offs for me. I guess I'll have to go back to ebay.

Once we got back to the hotel we came back and did some more shopping on the island before everyone left for the holiday tomorrow. All the boys got something special when we get home. Luckily we don't have to spoil Denise anymore now that we have Ariana .

We have no idea what we will do over the next few days. We are told that the fireworks show on the river will be neat. However, there doesn't look like there will be anything open as the island empties out for the next few weeks. Because we weren't able to get an earlier flight, we are the last family to leave. Some left today. Our guide did call Northwest a couple of times to see if other flights have opened up, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen. It would be pretty rare this time of year.

Here are some pictures over the past few days.

Hard life.

Yesterday was Sunny

Yesterday was sunny as we went out and about. We hit the mall and some local stores. Also, all the people appeared back onto the streets. My favorite part was hitting the park along the river. It was great to be outside. Ariana demanded to be on her mom all day, so her shoulder got pretty tired. She is doing a lot of grinning now and doesn't mind the camera as much. Right now she is leaving her mom (sitting on the floor) and exploring the room. Every few minutes she returns to make sure that mom hasn't moved.

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.

Life has got a lot better!!

Hi everybody!!